Playing the movie

I need to learn how to play the movie. The movie theory states that everything is happening. Everything right now is just a scene in a movie and everything I do dictates how the movie turns out. I need to start living my life as if I am the director. Whether the ending is a tragedy or not depends on how I play the scene.

This is my final year in NP. Whether or not I do anything worthwhile is moot. Because after this 2 semesters, barring any failed modules, I’d have completed my studies. So whether or not I actually make friends, get a girlfriend or even achieve anything, time will still pass. Therefore, I need to play the scene the way I want my movie to end.

Playing the movie means never to see any individual action as a singular thing in and of itself: Any one thing I do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, I have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie. I have always been either thinking without doing anything or doing things without thinking about them. I need to start to think before I act.

Published in: on April 18, 2006 at 1:41am  Comments (1)  

EE Camp

Back not long ago from FOC ’06/’07 and now I’m getting ready for EE Society’s camp from 19th – 21st Apr 06. And guess what? I’m the medic there too.

I guess the best way for me out of this depression is to do work. Work, work and more work. I’m not a workaholic. It’s just that when I am busy with work, I don’t have to think about my problems. In a way I’m running from them. But yeah. I’d rather run away from conflicts.

Speaking of conflicts, although I say I do not bear grudges, upon further self-examination, I realise that I actually do. I bear grudges but not in that way I guess. It’s more of closure thing. If there isn’t a proper closure, I’d be continually harping on about the problem until it is settled.

Yeah. I guess in a way, that’s why I have alot of issues and stuffs. Alot of them are still gnawing away inside of me and I don’t know how to settle it because I hate conflicts. And I don’t like to stand up to people unless I have to. Does this make sense?

Published in: on April 17, 2006 at 2:53pm  Comments (2)  

Staying away

Everyone seems to be getting attached and stuff. Java and Tinkerbell. Sexy and NNM. And then there’s Emo-DH and Jas who’s almost there. Who’s next? Maybe FGB and Hawt chick?

All the more it makes me want to stay away. Cause rainy days makes me feel blue and I have perpetual rainstorms inside of me. Hawt chick told me the decision to move on is up to me. Well… Yeaps. So I guess I have to move on. Literally. I’m going to leave everything behind.

I have only 2 more semesters left and it seems that everything is going to be just like in my secondary and pre-university days. I’m going to lose contact with everyone. I’m never going to make an impact deep enough on people I think. On second thoughts? Nopes. I don’t think I’d want to.

Thinking about things made me realise that Jem’s the only one I’m still in contact with even after 7 years. My god-sis only msgs me when she needs someone to talk to. Everyone else… I’ve lost touch with. Amazing huh? So anyway… I’m dropping everything. I have to try. So yay. Back to withdrawal mode.

Updates: This is what she told me on msn last night.

John… Don’t try so hard… Cause you know how it’ll end…

Yep. I do know how it’ll end. That’s why I at least want to try instead of giving up straight. But after she said that… What’s the use? What’s the point? Like I said before on wordplay I’m just a friend and I will always be one. Nothing more. So yeah.

I should seriously just give up on people and relationships. Next time, I’ll be the one to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt me. Or better yet, I’ll just stay away and stop them from coming close.

Published in: on April 17, 2006 at 10:31am  Leave a Comment