Playing the movie

I need to learn how to play the movie. The movie theory states that everything is happening. Everything right now is just a scene in a movie and everything I do dictates how the movie turns out. I need to start living my life as if I am the director. Whether the ending is a tragedy or not depends on how I play the scene.

This is my final year in NP. Whether or not I do anything worthwhile is moot. Because after this 2 semesters, barring any failed modules, I’d have completed my studies. So whether or not I actually make friends, get a girlfriend or even achieve anything, time will still pass. Therefore, I need to play the scene the way I want my movie to end.

Playing the movie means never to see any individual action as a singular thing in and of itself: Any one thing I do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, I have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie. I have always been either thinking without doing anything or doing things without thinking about them. I need to start to think before I act.

Published in: on April 18, 2006 at 1:41am  Comments (1)  

Online

If it wasn’t for school, music or work related reasons, I won’t be chatting with anyone at all. The most I’d be doing is just sending songs to people or just ask/answer questions, cut and paste links, etc. That’s it. Turns out I also don’t really chat much online. So much for an online persona.

So what do I actually do online? Well, apart from blogging and generally just surfing digg, boingboing and using stumbleupon, I don’t really do anything productive online.

I used to play WoW but ever since I unsubscribed due to me spending way too much time in it, I don’t play much games anymore. I only listen to music nowadays but even that is becoming boring. I still do enjoy discovering new bands, new songs, etc but there’s only so much I can take before it becomes a chore.

I need something else to occupy my time. I get bored really easily nowadays. Oh wells. I’d better get to bed soon. Need lots of rest before the 19th.

Published in: on April 18, 2006 at 12:37am  Comments (1)  

EE Camp

Back not long ago from FOC ’06/’07 and now I’m getting ready for EE Society’s camp from 19th – 21st Apr 06. And guess what? I’m the medic there too.

I guess the best way for me out of this depression is to do work. Work, work and more work. I’m not a workaholic. It’s just that when I am busy with work, I don’t have to think about my problems. In a way I’m running from them. But yeah. I’d rather run away from conflicts.

Speaking of conflicts, although I say I do not bear grudges, upon further self-examination, I realise that I actually do. I bear grudges but not in that way I guess. It’s more of closure thing. If there isn’t a proper closure, I’d be continually harping on about the problem until it is settled.

Yeah. I guess in a way, that’s why I have alot of issues and stuffs. Alot of them are still gnawing away inside of me and I don’t know how to settle it because I hate conflicts. And I don’t like to stand up to people unless I have to. Does this make sense?

Published in: on April 17, 2006 at 2:53pm  Comments (2)  

Staying away

Everyone seems to be getting attached and stuff. Java and Tinkerbell. Sexy and NNM. And then there’s Emo-DH and Jas who’s almost there. Who’s next? Maybe FGB and Hawt chick?

All the more it makes me want to stay away. Cause rainy days makes me feel blue and I have perpetual rainstorms inside of me. Hawt chick told me the decision to move on is up to me. Well… Yeaps. So I guess I have to move on. Literally. I’m going to leave everything behind.

I have only 2 more semesters left and it seems that everything is going to be just like in my secondary and pre-university days. I’m going to lose contact with everyone. I’m never going to make an impact deep enough on people I think. On second thoughts? Nopes. I don’t think I’d want to.

Thinking about things made me realise that Jem’s the only one I’m still in contact with even after 7 years. My god-sis only msgs me when she needs someone to talk to. Everyone else… I’ve lost touch with. Amazing huh? So anyway… I’m dropping everything. I have to try. So yay. Back to withdrawal mode.

Updates: This is what she told me on msn last night.

John… Don’t try so hard… Cause you know how it’ll end…

Yep. I do know how it’ll end. That’s why I at least want to try instead of giving up straight. But after she said that… What’s the use? What’s the point? Like I said before on wordplay I’m just a friend and I will always be one. Nothing more. So yeah.

I should seriously just give up on people and relationships. Next time, I’ll be the one to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt me. Or better yet, I’ll just stay away and stop them from coming close.

Published in: on April 17, 2006 at 10:31am  Leave a Comment  

Chalet

The 13 Apostles chalet will be on June 16th, 17th and 18th! I can’t wait. I haven’t seen them for a long long time. These are the guys who have stood by me through thick and thin. It’s safe to say that these are the guys who are most like family to me. Thanks guys.

Yay! Damn I can’t wait. About 2 months more…

Published in: on April 16, 2006 at 6:51pm  Leave a Comment  

Lyrics: The Long Goodbye

The Long Goodbye
by Brooks and Dunn

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do, sure is hard to do
I know they say if it don’t come back again
Then it’s meant to be
Those words don’t pull me through, ’cause I’m still in love with you

I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it’s just you and me going through the mill
Climbing up a hill

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can’t make it,
Just what kinda love keeps breaking her heart
No matter how hard I try, I’ll always make you cry
Come on baby, it’s over let’s face it
All that’s happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance
But I know without a doubt, we turned it inside out
And if we walked away would it make more sense
But it tears me up inside, just to think we still could try

How long must we keep running on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can’t make it,
Just what kinda love keeps breaking her heart
No matter how hard I try, I’ll always make you cry
Come on baby, it’s over let’s face it
All that’s happening here is a long goodbye

Long goodbye~

This song is going out to a special someone.

Published in: on April 16, 2006 at 3:40pm  Leave a Comment  

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Lyrics: He’s All I Need

He’s All I Need
by Lincoln Brewster

We all like to hide behind our different faces
And we all like to pretend we’re in different places
Well I don’t need anyone to give me approval
And I don’t mind if you laugh and call me a loser

He’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever need

We all like to pray for faith when we’ve misplaced it
And we all like to clothe our truth so we’re not naked
But you and me we don’t need to beg or steal or borrow
‘Cause we’re the kids of the King of the great tomorrow

He’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever need

Hope in Him
Trust in Him
Reach for Him
Let the flood of God’s tears
Drown the seeds
That should have never been
Never been

He’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever need

He’s really all that I need. Especially when I think about today when He has risen. My God is great and awesome. I guess everything I need is summed up in Genesis 1:1.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

– Genesis 1:1 (New International Version)

God created everything. I really need to just let everything go and just let God. in relationships, in my studies and in my finances, everything. I’ll just let God be God and let Him take charge.

Published in: on April 16, 2006 at 2:46pm  Leave a Comment  

Lyrics: When I Praise

When I Praise
by FFH

Looking for love and I lost my way
Another long night has turned to day
Nobody likes to feel this way
So I draw close to you
It’s what I’m supposed to do

Looking for love and I close my eyes
I run to you with no disguise
You hold me close and say “it’s fine”
You take me in your arms
And you soothe this heart of mine

And I throw my hands up in the air
Here’s my heart ’cause I don’t care
What they say about me, I gotta praise
I throw my hands up in the air
And I know that You will find me there
Find me when I praise

Looking for love and I hide my face (Looking for love and I hide my face)
What about the scars and disgrace (Should I hide my disgrace)
But You meet me here in spite of my shame
Your blood covers it all
And You carry me away

And I throw my hands up in the air
Here’s my heart ’cause I don’t care
What they say about me, I gotta praise
I throw my hands up in the air
And I know that You will find me there
Find me when I praise

My heart is on my sleeve and I am on my knees
And my hands are in the air, oh yeah
And it’s hard to believe that I am on my knees
With my hands in the air, oh yeah
And You come close beside me
And You say You’re here to guide me
I don’t ever have to be alone
And Your love has led me home

Looking for love and I found my way (Looking for love and I found my way)
I ran to You and I heard You say (I ran to You and I heard You say)
Everything’s gonna be OK
I don’t have to wait another day

And I throw my hands up in the air
Here’s my heart ’cause I don’t care
What they say about me, I gotta praise
I throw my hands up in the air
And I know that You will find me there

And I throw my hands up in the air
Here’s my heart ’cause I don’t care
What they say about me, I gotta praise
I throw my hands up in the air
And I know that You will find me there
Find me when I praise

Looking for love and I lost my way (Looking for love and I lost my way)
Another long night has turned to day (Another long night has turned to day)
Nobody likes to feel this way

These are the words that my heart’s crying out. I’m looking for love and I’ve lost my way. Nobody likes to feel this way. But God You hold me close and You say that no matter what, You’ll always love me. Lord, if You weren’t there for me, it’s really not worth my living. Thank You Lord for loving me when no one else does.

Published in: on April 16, 2006 at 2:27pm  Leave a Comment  

Exile

I guess now that I’m no longer needed, I can go away once more. It’s always the same with me. After I’ve done my part, there’s nothing left to hold me or anchor me to a place. Everything else are just formalities. What’s left? FOC’s over. Nothing to look forward to. The ball’s in her court and she’s just not interested. FGB and Hawt Chick has things going their way; I’d just be something extra. Even Java and Tinkerbell are already together.

After awhile, it’s just me. How do I justify staying on when I’m not needed?

I’m actually glad now that it is over. Now there is no reason for me to be there at all. I can easily just move on. Or can I? I don’t know. I’m too attached to certain people that I may not want to leave. But I guess for my sanity’s sake… I have to.

Actually, part of me wants to stay on. I want to stay on and wait for her. But on the other hand… What’s the use? Is she worth my waiting for? Yes. But would she choose me? No. Haha. So. What should I do? Stay or go?

Updates: In all fairness to the guys, they’ve been pretty friendly to me. But I guess that’s the thing. I just don’t click with them. No matter how I see it, I’m still the outsider. No matter how I try to get into the action, I’m always left feeling like I’m viewing everything from the outside. But like I said, it’s not their fault. It’s just me. I’m never much of a people person and I guess I never will.

Published in: on April 16, 2006 at 1:54pm  Leave a Comment