Alright! My domain has been renewed. Time to let this blog lie dormant until it is needed again. So, go check out my wordplay!
Playing the movie
I need to learn how to play the movie. The movie theory states that everything is happening. Everything right now is just a scene in a movie and everything I do dictates how the movie turns out. I need to start living my life as if I am the director. Whether the ending is a tragedy or not depends on how I play the scene.
This is my final year in NP. Whether or not I do anything worthwhile is moot. Because after this 2 semesters, barring any failed modules, I’d have completed my studies. So whether or not I actually make friends, get a girlfriend or even achieve anything, time will still pass. Therefore, I need to play the scene the way I want my movie to end.
Playing the movie means never to see any individual action as a singular thing in and of itself: Any one thing I do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, I have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie. I have always been either thinking without doing anything or doing things without thinking about them. I need to start to think before I act.
Online
If it wasn’t for school, music or work related reasons, I won’t be chatting with anyone at all. The most I’d be doing is just sending songs to people or just ask/answer questions, cut and paste links, etc. That’s it. Turns out I also don’t really chat much online. So much for an online persona.
So what do I actually do online? Well, apart from blogging and generally just surfing digg, boingboing and using stumbleupon, I don’t really do anything productive online.
I used to play WoW but ever since I unsubscribed due to me spending way too much time in it, I don’t play much games anymore. I only listen to music nowadays but even that is becoming boring. I still do enjoy discovering new bands, new songs, etc but there’s only so much I can take before it becomes a chore.
I need something else to occupy my time. I get bored really easily nowadays. Oh wells. I’d better get to bed soon. Need lots of rest before the 19th.
EE Camp
Back not long ago from FOC ’06/’07 and now I’m getting ready for EE Society’s camp from 19th – 21st Apr 06. And guess what? I’m the medic there too.
I guess the best way for me out of this depression is to do work. Work, work and more work. I’m not a workaholic. It’s just that when I am busy with work, I don’t have to think about my problems. In a way I’m running from them. But yeah. I’d rather run away from conflicts.
Speaking of conflicts, although I say I do not bear grudges, upon further self-examination, I realise that I actually do. I bear grudges but not in that way I guess. It’s more of closure thing. If there isn’t a proper closure, I’d be continually harping on about the problem until it is settled.
Yeah. I guess in a way, that’s why I have alot of issues and stuffs. Alot of them are still gnawing away inside of me and I don’t know how to settle it because I hate conflicts. And I don’t like to stand up to people unless I have to. Does this make sense?
Staying away
Everyone seems to be getting attached and stuff. Java and Tinkerbell. Sexy and NNM. And then there’s Emo-DH and Jas who’s almost there. Who’s next? Maybe FGB and Hawt chick?
All the more it makes me want to stay away. Cause rainy days makes me feel blue and I have perpetual rainstorms inside of me. Hawt chick told me the decision to move on is up to me. Well… Yeaps. So I guess I have to move on. Literally. I’m going to leave everything behind.
I have only 2 more semesters left and it seems that everything is going to be just like in my secondary and pre-university days. I’m going to lose contact with everyone. I’m never going to make an impact deep enough on people I think. On second thoughts? Nopes. I don’t think I’d want to.
Thinking about things made me realise that Jem’s the only one I’m still in contact with even after 7 years. My god-sis only msgs me when she needs someone to talk to. Everyone else… I’ve lost touch with. Amazing huh? So anyway… I’m dropping everything. I have to try. So yay. Back to withdrawal mode.
Updates: This is what she told me on msn last night.
John… Don’t try so hard… Cause you know how it’ll end…
Yep. I do know how it’ll end. That’s why I at least want to try instead of giving up straight. But after she said that… What’s the use? What’s the point? Like I said before on wordplay I’m just a friend and I will always be one. Nothing more. So yeah.
I should seriously just give up on people and relationships. Next time, I’ll be the one to hurt others before they have a chance to hurt me. Or better yet, I’ll just stay away and stop them from coming close.
Communications
Communication is the key. And the thing now is I’m trying my best to communicate with her, to talk to her… And I end up feeling I’m talking to a wall. I don’t know. I just can’t seem to get through to her. Oh wells. Let go and let God. Not going to care so much about things already…
Chalet
The 13 Apostles chalet will be on June 16th, 17th and 18th! I can’t wait. I haven’t seen them for a long long time. These are the guys who have stood by me through thick and thin. It’s safe to say that these are the guys who are most like family to me. Thanks guys.
Yay! Damn I can’t wait. About 2 months more…
Lyrics: The Long Goodbye
The Long Goodbye
by Brooks and DunnI know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do, sure is hard to do
I know they say if it don’t come back again
Then it’s meant to be
Those words don’t pull me through, ’cause I’m still in love with youI spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it’s just you and me going through the mill
Climbing up a hillThis is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can’t make it,
Just what kinda love keeps breaking her heart
No matter how hard I try, I’ll always make you cry
Come on baby, it’s over let’s face it
All that’s happening here is a long goodbyeSometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance
But I know without a doubt, we turned it inside out
And if we walked away would it make more sense
But it tears me up inside, just to think we still could tryHow long must we keep running on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayerThis is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can’t make it,
Just what kinda love keeps breaking her heart
No matter how hard I try, I’ll always make you cry
Come on baby, it’s over let’s face it
All that’s happening here is a long goodbyeLong goodbye~
This song is going out to a special someone.
Lyrics: He’s All I Need
He’s All I Need
by Lincoln BrewsterWe all like to hide behind our different faces
And we all like to pretend we’re in different places
Well I don’t need anyone to give me approval
And I don’t mind if you laugh and call me a loserHe’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever needWe all like to pray for faith when we’ve misplaced it
And we all like to clothe our truth so we’re not naked
But you and me we don’t need to beg or steal or borrow
‘Cause we’re the kids of the King of the great tomorrowHe’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever needHope in Him
Trust in Him
Reach for Him
Let the flood of God’s tears
Drown the seeds
That should have never been
Never beenHe’s all I need
To live to be
He’s my decree
Oh His majesty
He’s all I’ll ever need
He’s really all that I need. Especially when I think about today when He has risen. My God is great and awesome. I guess everything I need is summed up in Genesis 1:1.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
– Genesis 1:1 (New International Version)
God created everything. I really need to just let everything go and just let God. in relationships, in my studies and in my finances, everything. I’ll just let God be God and let Him take charge.
//random expressions of words:. 